.. something anybody could make up ..

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and then the Premier league.

The earth was without form (other than its circular shape) and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. " But it was a little too bright, so he turned it down by two notches. But it was too green, so he turned it to something that wasn't green.

And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from The Darkness (so they played the whole gig in the dark). God called the light Night, and the darkness he called Day. But he wasn't happy with that so he swapped it around.

And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

And God said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters."

And God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so.

And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

And God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. Then God said, "Hang on... Who the hell am I talking to?"

God called the dry land Terry before deciding on Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. Even though these words hadn't all been properly defined yet.

The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. It usually takes another person to make proper criticism.

And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.

And God said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth." and it was so.

And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. The greater and lesser lights are now more commonly known as the sun and moon.

And God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. To be honest there was nobody to tell him how crap it was.

And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. Maths was becoming more and more evident.

And God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." He didn't feel he had to be too specific - 'birds and swarms of living creatures' is fine.

So God, regardless of his aching hip, created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. He also swears blind He never created a Loch Ness monster, though many 'extreme' scientists think differently. These 'extreme' scientists also kick cats for fun.

And God blessed the living creatures, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." Nothing about them staying faithful. Funny that.

And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so.

And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was bad. He tweaked a few things and saw that it was okay. He took things apart, put them back together, lost limbs and then rebuilt. And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." Looking at a modern dictionary we can see that 'our' implies more than one. God was either mad, using an old definition of our, or a mad man using an old definition of our.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God created male and female in his own image? Not only is it sexist, but it also doesn't actually make sense.

And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply (ooh kinky), and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." So He said basically what he was thinking.

And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, unless I invent more, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so.

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. - even though he does say so himself. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.

And God said, "I need a rest." Then he changed his mind and realised a full working week wouldn't kill him. He might even get overtime.

So God created the spell checking computer programme and saw it was bad. He decided He would create a person to do this later in time, something he still hasn't got around to doing.

Coming soon - a big boat full of animals, a nice person walking down a road and something about a coat.

.. back ..