.. easy on the ears ..

"Oi lug ears, you playing or what?"
"You big eared bastard!"
"Ears… Johnny."
"You didn't hear, with those ears?"
"Don't run too fast you might take off!!"
"Where's Noddy?"
"Bet the reception on your telly is fucking excellent."

That's just a few of the many 'witty' comments passed in my direction throughout my life. These being the most used, the ones that whomever said them seemed to think that they were not only being extremely funny but also highly original. This was more grinding than you can ever imagine. Van Gogh never cut off his ear because of heartbreak or problems with his love life. It was in fact the consequence of being repeatedly told he looked like he had three heads. At least that's my theory anyway.

I decided I had to do something about my ears. There are no females out there that are turned on by somebody with a similar head to Dumbo. My Pinocchio shaped body didn't help matters. So off I went to the newly opened Ear Gym which is run by a fellow named Jake Purdy. Jake is a small little fellow with huge ears - bigger than mine even. When I first met him, upon entering the Ear Gym for the first time, I was shocked. Not setting a good example, I thought. But then as we neared the end of the tour he said, 'If you don't join this Gym you can go on looking a little gimpy eared twat like this'. He was right, he was a little gimpy eared twat. But he was right about the other thing too. I had to join the Ear Gym.

After walking through the Ear Gym and seeing a vast number of people with similar problems, I approached the Earlasticator. A simple machine that requires you to insert one ear at a time into a strange metal oval shape thing - that can be modified to suit ear size. The oval shape is attached to elastic, which is then pulled in various directions for a selected period. Before putting my first ear in I changed the setting from 'I have a group photo coming up' to 'They are making me suicidal'. Once I had done this I took off my hat and began massaging both my ears. Giving them a little stretch and just basically preparing them for the exercise ahead. I didn't mind fellow big-eared owners looking at me.

I noticed a professional ear toner opposite me. He was using the machinery with ease - his ears were perfect. The only problem is that if you don't continue to exercise your ears they can, after time, begin to go back to how they were, i.e. massive. I couldn't stop staring at his perfect ears but had to when he caught me.

I put my left ear into the Earlasticator and strapped it in. I then sat back and waited for something to happen. First was a strange springy sound and then I felt the pulling. At first it hurt or perhaps it was just because I was shocked at it starting so quickly. Either way it soon settled down to mellow movements and I was actually starting to enjoy it. I took full advantage of the '2005 yEARly manual' that had been handed to me after I had paid the reasonable membership fee with my credit card.

After what must have been about an hour, an alarm starting ringing. Big-eared people were frantically running around in all directions. There was a strong burning smell and, as I removed my left ear from the Earlasticator, I noticed a collection of flames rising from the main entrance. I panicked and ran for the nearest fire exit. I then rushed home - on the way people were laughing more than ever at my ears - I didn't even get to finish the bloody exercise.

I hurried to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Horror. I actually looked worse. I had one ear of a normal person and one sticking out. That's it then. I was beaten. My ears had finally got the better of me. What the hell was the point of carrying on like this?

I phoned a woman at the gym the next day who told me they wouldn't reopen for a year at least after the excess damage. That was the only Ear Gym in the world, they prided themselves on that fact. The big-eared community was well and truly fucked. I would stay in as often as possible from now on and whenever I needed to leave I'd wear a big hat.

After about six months, and a continuous search for something even remotely like an Ear Gym, I received an information booklet from an American company. By this time, due to lack of exercise, my left ear was back to its original size. The leaflet told of a new secret method and said that they would explain all to me if I dropped into their office. Dropped in? Well, it took some effort. I booked a flight to America and visited the office. They told me of the secret method. I was desperate and so I agreed to it. I paid the $15,000 it cost and they began.

I walked out a new and very happy man. I looked into a mirror and my ears didn't look big anymore. Their idea to inflate my head, in order to trick people's perception of my ears, worked. People no longer mention my ears.

"Oi Blockhead!"

.. back ..