.. an unperformed play ..

act one / scene one
BRITAIN, A SMALL COUNTRY

Silence. This is quickly followed by more silence. The majority of the British people sleep. The wind blows violently. A scientist's experiment to produce a truth serum seems to be going okay until a test tube is somehow sucked through one of his weak windows (unbelievable but pivotal to the plot). The gas quickly starts to spread around the country and soon the whole of the UK shall have to speak the truth for about twenty-four hours…

act one / scene two
HULL, ENGLAND

It's just coming up to 8AM the following morning and the truth serum is now starting to take effect. A milkman knocks at the door of a customer to get the money he is owed. A middle-aged woman answers the door.

Milkman: Hello there. I've er… You owe a months worth.

Woman: Right okay then. How much is that? I said, how much is that? Hello?

Milkman: Huh?

Woman: Are you okay?

Milkman: Yes, I'm sorry it's just that I haven't had sex in a fortnight and your breasts attracted my attention. Look at them, they're so pert and that…

Woman: Pardon me.

Milkman: They are. I've fancied you for ages. Why do you think I put the milk on the floor instead of that box under your windowsill? It's because I sit in my float across the road waiting to watch you pick it up.

Woman: Wow. That's… It's… That really is amazing. I er… Why do you think I'm always wearing this dressing gown? Why do you think I don't let my husband pay by direct debit?

Milkman: Can I come in for a cup of coffee?

Woman: I don't think I've got any milk.

Milkman: Well I could…

Woman: We'll just have to skip the coffee bit.

act one / scene three
IPSWICH, ENGLAND

It's half past nine and little Jonathan arrives late to school again.

Jon (struggling for breath): Sorry I'm late Miss.

Teacher: Sorry you're late? You should be sorry. Your mother should be sorry. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being. You have no… Look at me when I'm talking to you and stop crying! You have no potential. You're going nowhere and I'm not even going to bother wasting my time pretending you could make something of your life.

Jon: I did the homework Miss.

Teacher: Have you been listening to me you snotty nosed cretin? Nothing will become of you. Gimme that! How long did you spend on this essay?

Jon: I know you sayed to do it for about thirty minutes but I needed a little bit longer time Miss.

Teacher: How long?

Jon: Ninety minutes Miss.

Teacher: Ninety minutes? If I asked my dog to do it he'd do it quicker. Wouldn't he? Wouldn't he?

Jon: Yes Miss.

Teacher: And why is that Wilcox?

Jon: 'Cos he's a smart dog Miss?

Teacher: No you buffoon - because you're an idiot. You'll stand there and watch me rip it up. Now, doesn't that look a lot better? Stop snivelling. Now get out of my classroom and be sure to cut across the motorway on your way home.

Jon: Yes Miss.

act one / scene four
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND

Ten twenty four and a man stands at the counter of his local corner shop, which is, funnily enough, not owned by a stereotypical Asian. In fact it's an attractive blonde woman that is serving.

Man: Look, you're probably seeing someone but I was wondering, in case you aren't, if you'd fancy going out sometime. Before you answer I think you should know that I masturbate on average, about six times a day and I have a thing for ladyboys. I even went to KC3 in 2003 where I paid for sex with five of them and stay in contact with one who I have cyber sex with every Wednesday night.

Blonde woman: Anything else?

Man: I once got an erection watching a Discovery Channel special on giraffes mating. And I get spontaneously aroused around Weetabix.

Blonde woman: I meant the shopping. Is there anything else?

Man: Oh yeah, er… I will have a quarter of Lemon Sherbets please.

Blonde woman: I wouldn't if I were you.

Man: Why not?

Blonde woman: Me and my manager Pauline take turns spitting in them when we haven't got any customers.

Man: Make that two quarters.

act one / scene five
SOMEWHERE, ENGLAND

It's one in the afternoon and a young girl (17) sits upon her bed with her older boyfriend (32).

Young girl: Well, it's been good meeting you. I didn't think you'd be like this, you read about sick men using the internet.

Older boyfriend: I am sick.

The young girl laughs nervously.

Older boyfriend: To be honest you're lucky you're alive. I mean usually I meet them in the town centre, where I met you, take them to a field… (BEAT) When I've finished with them they normally end up in the river or tied to the train tracks or something.

Young girl: Seriously, stop it. You're starting to scare me.

Older boyfriend: I like nothing better. It gives me power over you. I can dominate you, do whatever I want. This was all your own doing and there's nothing you can do about it.

Young girl: I'll tell my parents.

The girl gets up to leave but is pushed back onto the bed. A tear rolls down the young girls' face. The older boyfriend moves closer and starts to rub the young girl's leg.

Older boyfriend: Now, you're going to let me do what I want. This will be our little secret. Okay? Okay?

After no response he strikes her across the face.

Older boyfriend: Okay?

Young girl (crying): Yes.

act one / scene six
CARDIFF, WALES

3PM and a young boy sits in his room. The room is covered in posters of bands, footballers, films and celebrities. He is on the floor with his face almost touching the screen of the computer in front of him. He taps away. He is wearing headphones that have music blasting from them. His mother enters.

Mother (crying): You're Grandmother has just died.

She moves closer and lifts off his headphones. The boy turns around and is clearly annoyed at being disturbed.

Young boy: What???

Mother: Your… Your… Grandmother has just died.

Young boy: I don't care.

He puts his headphones back on and turns back to the screen.

act one / scene seven
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

4.45PM and an idiot walks into Dixons. Other idiots stand around in uniform.

Idiot: I would like to buy a stereo. I need one that plays CDs and cassettes in a reasonable quality.

Paid idiot: Yeah?

Idiot: Yeah.

Paid idiot: I'll get Trevor.

EXIT: Paid idiot / ENTER: Trevor

Trevor: Good afternoon Sir my colleague, whom I utterly despise, has informed me of your informing him. Now, I can inform you with what's best for me. Would you like lots of information or not very much information?

Idiot: Not very much information.

Trevor: Good. Basically I have a couple of days to sell six hundred pounds worth of stock otherwise I'm sacked. Now the manager has given me two options; one is to actually make the sales and two is provide him with sexual favours. Now, I'm not too keen on the second one but it's a last resort. Hopefully by being over enthusiastic over an expensive stereo and also recommending related, but not essential extras, then I can save my job. Also by offering you a five-year warranty, which we'll do our best to wriggle out of, and insurance, which is basically useless, I should be safe for a good couple of months.

Idiot: Actually I think I'll try Argos. Their lamented pages and text descriptions are much more preferable to your sickening face and depressing, pitiful voice.

EXIT: Idiot / ENTER: Banquo

Banquo looks around him. Lots of oversized televisions surround him. There are lots and lots of iPods.

Banquo: 'Tis most unfortunate. I am in the wrong bloomin' play!

EXIT: Banquo

act one / scene eight
TELEVISION, YOUR HOUSE

Six O'clock. Yes that means it's time for Sky news with an attractive blonde and a man from an ethnic minority (for contractual reasons).

Attractive blonde: Welcome to Sky News it's just past six O'clock. Now as this is of course a Sky production on a Sky channel you will think what we tell you. And you will enjoy our news of a biased viewpoint. But we do it so subtly that you probably wont realise.

The attractive blonde receives a message in her ear-piece. She goes red, adjusts herself and clears her throat.

Attractive blonde: Satellite television company NTL are being sued for poor service and negligence. Customers have complained over the charge for customer support, faulty connections and exploding modems. The company, which gives customers access to under half the channels a Sky subscriber would be used to, has accepted responsibility for using cheap resources that has led to faulty connections and has said they need the revenue made through the phoneline and may even increase the price. They accept no responsibility for the exploding modems. Typical.

Ethnic minority: Can I say something?

Attractive blonde: No. In other news - popular newspaper The Times has had a makeover. The paper, often voted to be the best, promises to dedicate even more pages to sport and is introducing two new media pullouts for only a twenty pence price increase.

act one / scene nine
STUDIO, LONDON, ENGLAND, UK, EUROPE, EARTH

It's after most people's bedtime and, for this very reason, the Prime Minister has agreed to appear on Question Time.

Terry Jones: Why, given the recent strikes, have you done nothing to lower the taxes on petrol prices?

Prime Minister: Thanks Terry, good question. I will of course be ignoring it completely so I can talk about something else. Well I really messed up by promising stuff I couldn't deliver. I knew I couldn't deliver it too but I knew saying I could deliver it would get me elected. Also, the secretary with the cute bottom distracted me somewhat - the sex and that. She'll do stuff the opposition leader won't - and she doesn't want paying. Although that didn't stop me.

Presenter: Well thank you for that. Now, I believe a Graham Chapman has a question.

Graham Chapman: No, I don't.

Presenter: Right, okay that's embarrassing. Typical BBC giving out the wrong information. Right… Dan Rosen, your question please.

Dan Rosen: Thank you. Prime Minister what are your thoughts on the campaign for preserving Chris DeBerg's eyebrows for future generations to enjoy?

Prime Minister: Sending us to war was actually someone else's idea that I just went along with. I don't think it was fair of him asking after I'd just watched Apocalypse Now - I love that film. 'We must incinerate them. We must kill them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. Village after village. Army after army.' (imitating gun) Da da da da da. Uh uh uh uh. (BEAT) Uh.

Presenter: Does that answer your question Dan?

Dan Rosen: No it bloody doesn't. And he got that quote wrong. It's actually, 'We must kill them. We must incinerate them.'

Prime Minister: It's not, it's not. I've seen that film about fifty times. It's incinerate then kill.

Dan Rosen: Don't be a twat all your life. I couldn't care less how many times you've seen it. Typical Labour, (mocking) 'It's incinerate then kill.'

The Prime Minister leaves his expensive and comfortable chair. The Question Time panel watch in amazement, in their cheap uncomfortable chairs, as he walks over to Dan Rosen and punches him in the face. Other audience members stand to attack the Prime Minister. A riot breaks out. Soon everyone is fighting.

act one / scene ten
A BED SOMEWHERE, UPSTAIRS

Ten to midnight and a married couple lay in bed. They stare at the television. The husband turns it off and they settle down into their pillows. The wife turns with her back to her husband. He moves closer.

Husband: Fancy a quickie?

Wife: No.

The husband moves back a bit.

Husband: Oh. Another headache?

Wife: No, I just can't stand the thought of you wriggling about on top of me for three minutes and then having to sneak off into the bathroom to be sick.

Husband: Oh. What are you saying?

Wife: I don't want sex.

Husband: Oh.

Wife: In fact, I want a divorce.

Husband: Oh.

act two / scene one
HULL, ENGLAND

A man is walking away from a milk float that has been smashed up. A milkman lies on the floor beside it as do smashed bottles and yoghurts. The words 'Home wrecking scum' are written on the side of the float.

act two / scene two
IPSWICH, ENGLAND

The teacher sits looking at the television.

Television: A thirteen-year-old boy was killed yesterday after being knocked down on 'soandso road'. The accident happened at around 9.45 yesterday. The boy has been identified as Jonathan Wilcox. The boy, who suffered from learning difficulties, is believed to have been skipping school.

act two / scene three
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND

The man walks into the shop. He is clearly embarrassed when he sees the blonde woman. He walks over to the counter but doesn't make eye contact. He removes two bags from his pocket and places them on the counter.

Man: I'd like a refund on these lemon sherbets, they don't taste right.

The blonde woman goes bright red.

Blonde woman: Okay, sure.

act two / scene four
SOMEWHERE, ENGLAND

The young girl's body lies naked in a ditch. The older boyfriend stands over it shovelling dirt into the hole.

act two / scene five
CARDIFF, WALES

The young boy sits in his room. He is on the floor with his face almost touching the screen of the computer in front of him. He taps away. He is wearing headphones that have music blasting from them.

act two / scene six
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

The manager of Dixons' office door opens. The Paid idiot leaves and closes the door behind him. He wipes his mouth with his hand and does up the zip on his trousers.

act two / scene seven
TELEVISION, YOUR HOUSE

The attractive blonde and ethnic minority look out from behind their Sky newsdesks.

Ethnic minority: And coming up after the break; more details on the Prime Ministers failure to commit to today's schedule, updates on ntl upsetting valuable customers…

Attractive blonde: And we bring you the best of today's sport.

act two / scene eight
NUMBER TEN, DOWNING STREET, THE POSH END

The Prime Minster is lying, stretched out, on a leather sofa. He has the phone in one hand.

Prime Minister: Yes. It's Dan Rosen. That's right. It will all be faxed over this afternoon. Okay. Four days? That's okay. Sure. Okay. We'll say he was talking on his mobile while driving. We'll sell it to The Mirror as an exclusive - they've been good to us this year. Absolutely. No problem. Thanks very much. The money will go straight into your account like last time. (laughs) Okay then. Give my love to Polly and the kids. I will. Speak soon.

act two / scene nine
A LIVING ROOM SOMEWHERE, DOWNSTAIRS

A little girl runs in crying. The husband and wife sit on the sofa.

Little girl: Are you and daddy splitting up?

Wife: Of course not sweetheart. Come here. We want you to know that we love you very much. Me and daddy will always be together. We are here, here for you.

act three / scene one
FRANCE

And so the serum had finally left the UK and has now made it to France.

Frenchman one: Pensez-vous que quelqu'un ennerra pour traduire ceci?

Frenchman two: Il'le s extrêmement peu probable. La vraie coutume d'idiots, les simples idiots feront et le besoin de coutume non-idiots à.

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